Summary
Learn about the difference in emotional regulation between a mentally healthy and an emotionally immature person, and what constitutes healthy regulation.
Emotional intelligence is something you hear about everywhere these days. So let's talk about the difference in the ability to regulate emotions between a mentally healthy person vs an emotionally immature person
An EIP (emotionally immature person) is unable to regulate their emotions. The biggest problem in relationships with such people is precisely emotional dysregulation. They immediately start shouting and falling into a rage if they cannot quickly get their way, or they take offense and start playing the silent game. As a result, communicating with such people becomes like walking on eggshells.
This is exactly what characterizes all narcissistic relationships and narcissistic personalities.
If an adult is in such relationships for long enough, or a person grew up with narcissistic parents, they have never experienced examples of healthy emotional regulation. As a result, shouting, anger, and rage become the norm of communication, or any form of anger causes terror.
What, then, can be considered healthy regulation?
1. A person who is able to regulate their emotions can express their feelings appropriately. They allow themselves to recognize and respond to feelings. Crying when sad. Taking a break if time is needed to catch their breath. Laughing when happy. This is both about the ability to articulate emotions with words ("This makes me angry!") and the ability to state what is needed at that moment ("I need a minute to think about this").
2. A person who is able to regulate their emotions understands that their feelings are within themselves. They are able to take responsibility for what they feel. A mentally mature person will not doubt others' emotions or try to change them.
3. Healthy expression and experiencing of feelings occurs adequately to the situation. The person does not start shouting and scaring others because they are angry, does not threaten others, does not get into a fight, does not throw or break things. This is how people with emotional dysregulation act.
4. A person who is able to regulate their emotions finds methods that help them cope with their feelings in the best way. Meditation, mindfulness, breathing techniques — things that help manage those feelings that a person feels, recognizes, names, and expresses.
5. A person who is able to regulate their emotions is able to consider both sides of a situation. They feel their emotions but also realize that another experience exists, different from their own.
6. It must also be remembered that not expressing, suppressing one's feelings is not healthy regulation. This is a common myth, and people are often praised for being "resilient," keeping all feelings to themselves. This is a psychological time bomb that can explode and cause harm in the form of physical illness, burnout, self-blame, and anxiety.
Healthy regulation is the recognition, expression, and actual experiencing of feelings and emotions in a sincere, self-aware, and empathetic manner. If you manage to figure out your own regulation, it will be one of the most useful investments for maintaining your mental health!