How I work with this
In working with grief, I rely on methods that help not just to "endure" the pain, but to explore exactly how this loss has affected the structure of your "Self." In Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP), we observe how you construct relationships in the consulting room, transferring your feelings and expectations regarding the lost object onto the therapist (analysis of transference). This allows us to identify hidden internal conflicts—such as when intense anger toward the deceased or a former partner is rigidly split off from love for them (splitting), making it impossible to complete the grieving process. We work to integrate these polarized experiences, helping you build the capacity to tolerate mixed emotions (tolerance of ambivalence) and restore a sense of internal coherence (identity integration), which is critical for both neurotic personality structures and borderline personality organization (BPO).
Using schema therapy, we gently explore the emotional states activated by the loss. Complicated grief is often accompanied by attacks of harsh self-criticism and unwarranted guilt for what happened (punitive critic mode) or feelings of total helplessness and loneliness (vulnerable child mode). In a safe space, we learn to recognize these modes and address the unmet needs behind them. Our goal is to foster a more resilient and supportive internal figure (healthy adult mode) to help your psyche integrate the experience of loss without needing to self-destruct or abandon a fulfilling life.
Do you recognise yourself?
- ✓ feeling of constant emptiness and physical coldness inside
- ✓ inability to believe in the reality of what happened
- ✓ sudden outbursts of intense anger toward the one who left or abandoned you
- ✓ obsessive replaying of final conversations or events prior to the loss
- ✓ unbearable guilt over unspoken words or unperformed actions
- ✓ panic fear of forgetting the voice or face of the loved one
- ✓ complete lack of desire to go on living and build new emotional bonds
- ✓ deep emotional numbness and detachment from daily activities and loved ones
If you recognised 3+ points — it is a good reason to talk to a psychologist.
Approach & Methodology
The loss of a loved one, a significant relationship, or even a part of one's own identity is not merely a period of deep sadness. It is a profound disruption of the familiar internal world where the one you lost held a vital place. The psyche instinctively refuses to let go of this connection, attempting to preserve the internal representation of the lost object. This process is accompanied by intense pain, guilt, or, conversely, a frightening emptiness. Processing grief involves the gradual detaching of internal energy from what no longer exists in reality, in order to free up space for the capacity to go on living.
Sometimes this natural process stalls or becomes "frozen." This occurs when your feelings toward the lost object were highly conflicted, filled with unspoken grievances or unresolved disputes, or when the loss happened so suddenly that the psyche was unable to integrate it. In such cases, the pain becomes chronic, and internal reality turns into a place where time has stood still, trapping you in the past and preventing you from moving forward.
Questions & Answers
It feels like if I stop crying and suffering, I will betray the memory of this person. How do I deal with this?
This is a very common conflict, when intense suffering becomes the only way to preserve loyalty and maintain a connection with the lost object. Our work will be to find a new way to hold love and memory within you so that they warm you rather than demand constant pain as proof of your devotion.
Will schema therapy help if I feel neither pain nor anger, but just a complete emptiness?
Yes. Emptiness, the absence of feelings, and numbness are the result of powerful defense mechanisms that temporarily "switch off" the psyche from unbearable experiences (the detached protector mode). In therapy, we gradually create conditions in which your psyche can risk feeling again without fearing being destroyed by the scale of the loss.
Is it normal that several years have passed, and I am still in unbearable pain?
The grieving process is individual and has no strict timelines. However, if the pain does not transform over the years and completely blocks your life, it indicates that the grief has stalled due to unconscious conflicts — for example, unexpressed aggression or guilt. In therapy, we gently identify these blocks and help the psyche restore its natural movement.
Why, instead of sadness, do I feel only strong irritation at everyone around me?
Aggression is a natural reaction to the destruction of a familiar world. Sometimes the psyche protects itself from unbearable sorrow and a sense of helplessness by transforming them into anger, which feels safer and is redirected toward other people (the defense mechanism of displacement). We will work on safely touching the vulnerable pain that hides behind this anger.
Process
How the work unfolds
Initial contact
Write in the messenger or leave a request on the site. Do not look for the right words — I will help you carefully start our journey and we will choose a convenient meeting time.
First consultation
A safe space for acquaintance, where you will feel if my approach suits you. This meeting does not oblige you to anything and only helps determine the next steps.
Regular therapy
Meetings are held 1-2 times a week for 50 minutes, online or face-to-face. A stable schedule is necessary for deep transformation and the development of your internal supports.
Payment and booking
The session fee is 50 USD (in hryvnias). Please read the Public Offer. The time is finally reserved and confirmed after payment.
Contact
Book a consultation
I reply on weekdays. If you are in crisis — call me directly.
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