Summary
Defense mechanisms can take various forms, affecting different aspects of interaction between partners. Excessive emotional defenses...
Defense mechanisms can take various forms, affecting different aspects of interaction between partners
Excessive emotional (or psychological) defenses can become a serious barrier in a relationship. Defenses are mechanisms that a person uses to protect themselves from pain, fear, or discomfort. They can manifest in the form of distrust, avoidance, closedness, or aggression. Although defenses often arise as a reaction to past trauma or negative experiences, in relationships they can create distance and prevent partners from building intimacy.
How this can manifest in a relationship:
Distrust: Constant doubts about the partner's sincerity or fear of being deceived can cause conflict and hinder the development of open dialogue.
Emotional closedness: If a person is afraid of showing their vulnerabilities, they may withdraw, making it difficult for the partner to understand their feelings and needs.
Conflict avoidance: Some people prefer to avoid discussing difficult issues, which leads to an accumulation of tension.
Need for control: The desire to control the relationship can be a defensive reaction, but it can cause the partner to feel suppressed.
Defense mechanisms can take various forms:
Emotional detachment: A person avoids deep conversations in order not to feel vulnerable. Closes down if the conversation becomes emotionally intense.
Conflict avoidance: Constantly postponing discussions of difficult topics. Pretending that "everything is fine" even if there is a problem. Passive-aggressive behavior instead of direct conversation.
Hypercontrol: Constant desire to control the partner's behavior. Fear of trusting important decisions to the partner. Obsessive checks, for example of the phone or messages.
Distrust: Expectation that the partner may betray or deceive. Frequent accusations of disloyalty without real grounds. Jealousy.
Rigid boundaries: Constant rejection of help or support from the partner. Avoiding joint decisions. Seeking to be "completely independent" to the detriment of partnership.
Justification through rationalization: Explaining all one's actions with logical arguments to avoid acknowledging emotions. Ignoring one's own feelings or suppressing them.
Projection: Blaming the partner for those feelings or actions that the person themselves experiences or does.
Immersing in work or hobbies: Constant busyness with things to avoid communication. Using busyness as an excuse for emotional distancing.
Devaluation: Criticism of the partner, devaluing their contribution and significance. Constantly diminishing the partner's achievements.
Humor or sarcasm: Using jokes to avoid serious conversations. Frequent sarcasm to hide pain or fear.
Over-caring for the partner: Constant guardianship to gain control over the situation. Hidden fear of being rejected under the guise of care.
Playing the victim: Constant self-sacrifice to avoid confrontation. Feeling that "I do everything for us," but at the same time ignoring own needs.
Need for idealization: Expectation that the partner must be "perfect". Disappointment when the partner does not live up to high expectations.
Jumping to conclusions: Belief that the partner must know exactly what the loved one wants or feels. Making assumptions about the partner's motives, even if they do not correspond to reality.
Isolation: Distancing in moments of stress, refusal to communicate. Preference is given to spending time alone, even when the partner is looking for closeness.
How to overcome such defenses?
The first is to recognize that defenses exist. Think about which of them you or your partner use.
Next, you will have to learn to talk openly about your feelings, even if it is difficult. Vulnerability is a strength that brings people closer.
If the defense is associated with deep trauma of the past, working with a psychotherapist can help.
Defense mechanisms are not a sentence, but a challenge that can be dealt with. They speak of our fears, wounds, but also of our desire to protect ourselves. It is important to understand them in order to build bridges, not walls, together with the partner.